Vodka and Soda

where did you come from?

 

two fun bloggy ladies are hosting a hilarious linkup - and i never do link-ups because i'm way too lazy to do the work - so this goes to show the epic awesomeness of this game.  join in!

i have google analytics linked to this blog but never check it because of said laziness.  however, driven to find out what brings people to my blog, here are some crazy searches that i found:

"khaleesi eyebrows".  the sheer fact that a game of thrones search term brings people to my blog should make me the winner. 

"how to cut crap out of your food cold turkey".  i'm assuming this person was looking for the term "clean eating".

"beautiful labias".  i have never written about my labia but i do write about how angry i am at my vagina  quite a bit, so i accept this.

"can vodka treat depression".  no, but it can certainly make your life happier!

"crazy girl at maroon 5 concert".  a lot of girls lose their shit when they see adam levine (duh, who wouldn't?)  and that's exactly what i wrote about here.

"i fart in my sleep".  anything mentioning farts makes me laugh.  seriously, winner right here.

"nanananananananana trance".  not sure what the fuck this is about or why it has anything to do with my blog.

"you are a fuck pic".  don't even know what to say to this.

 people search for some weird shit on the interwebs! 

did you link up? what did you find?  if not, what are you waiting for?

a funny story at my expense

 

i was doing some blog spring cleaning and came across this old post i wrote last january.  you may laugh at my expense.  you're welcome.

****

i was reading some funny dating mishap stories on the internet so at my expense, i thought i'd embarass myself by sharing a story that happened many moons ago.

back in my heyday, i dated a guy whom we'll call john because that was his real name.  he was nice and treated me well.  there were certain things about him that i shouldn't have overlooked but i was young and didn't acquire my jedi master dating skillz until much later.  i drew some crappy pictures to illustrate the story but first, some history. 

i've always had dating deal-breakers; you know, those certain things about a person that changes your opinion of them and completely turns you off; basically killing whatever potential said relationship had.  i wasn't jerry seinfield picky but i had my own set of preferences - no bad kissers, no chewbaccas, no shorty mcshorties, no dainty feet that could fit into my shoes, no virgins and no small weiners.  yes, i was that shallow in that i could not pursue a relationship if the guy was wielding a tootsie roll in his pants. don't judge.   and because this is a funny story, i'm sure you can surmise where this tale going. 

back to john.  the intial stages of a relationship are always the most exciting and i didn't want to whore out by moving too fast so the clothes stayed on.  there are many ways to assess the situation Down There without directly touching anything and i pulled out all the stops to try and figure out what i was dealing with.  the most surprising thing?  i felt nothing.  nada. zip.    while the warning bells were going off in the back of my mind, i thought that maybe he was nervous so i ignored my bruised ego and chalked it up to initial jitters.

 

the next date was pretty much the same with confusion building in my mind instead of him building something in his pants.  what the fuck was going on here?  does he have that much self control?  is it me? is it him? what? WHATGODDAMMITWHAT?!?  but like the stupid little girl i was, i ignored it and continued on, giving him just one.more.chance before i ended it.  there was no way i was going to sacrifice my self-confidence for someone who felt nothing for me. 

 

 

i went on our next date with a heavy heart and the sahari desert in my pants when things started looking up because lo' and behold, something bumped up against my hip - something substantial.   i think i mentally high-fived myself; my ego was restored, all was right with the world and i was a sexy beast once again.

 but my joy  was short-lived because john was behaving strangely; it was as if he wasn't comfortable with something because he fidgeted and squirmed so much that he stopped all the goodness and stood up.  i'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE END

hammer time

 found a hilarious post from a few years ago... one of my favorites that i wanted to (re)share.

 

our lunch table discussions at work are all kinds of hilarious.  the other day, we were swapping embarrassing drunk stories and it was good to know that i wasn't the only one who has made an ass of myself while drinking the devil's poison.

i started drinking when  i was a wee teenager and that went on until i was about 20 or so when i discovered the underground scene and uh, found other ways to get awesome.  while i've never gone so far as to vomit all over myself (yuck), i do have some funny stories.

 

what you see here is a graphical depiction of what happend many years ago.  i was probably around 18 at the time and i woke up on my lawn.  i know what you're thinking:  that kathy is all kinds of klassy.  noticed i spelled klassy with a "k". 

back in my hardcore party days, i used to drink - a lot.  after about 3 drinks, party kathy made her appearance and stayed all.night.long.  she was pretty awesome too. it didn't matter if it was a school night; i was out partying until the wee morning hours, get about 1-2 hours of sleep, head off to school (hung over), come home and then do it all over again.  how i graduated is beyond me.  how i avoided cirrhosis of the liver is an even bigger mystery because i think i was  hammered most of my teenage years.  but let's get back to this story.

to be honest, i don't remember what i did or where i went on this night of embarassing debauchery.  it's likely i went clubbing, it's likely it was a friday or saturday night because those nights i partied the hardest and there's a good chance that i was probably doing shots! shots! shots! shots! shots! shots, errrrbody!.  most likely tequila shots or as i used to call it: "the drink that makes you lose your soul and/or pants".  i have no idea who i went with or who drove me home but what i do remember is waking up because something was digging into my neck (a twig), i was cold (i could've sworn i brought a jacket but it was no where to be found) and my foot was wet since i'd lost one of my shoes.  god, this memory is screaming back to me.  i opened my eyes to find myself on my front lawn, lying under my neighbor's tree and when i looked up, i saw my neighbour - a quiet little indian woman who didn't speak any english - peering down at me, eyes wide with fright, holding her phone ready to dial 911 because of the dead body on her front lawn.  no wait, that was me.

what i wanted to do was go back to sleep but being the lady that i am, i got up, brushed off the twigs, and grass from my clothes, picked out the leaves from my hair, smiled and waved hello.  i tried to act normal as i walked towards my porch but it's sort of hard, especially when i looked like i just crawled out of the devil's asshole.  and knowing my luck, my mom was probably yelling at me the minute i opened the door, making my hangover that much more fun. 

ah, the good times....

when i was a kid...

 

we used garbage bags as winter sleds because we couldn't afford sleds.  or, i'd wrap a garbage bag around a piece of cardboard and use that instead (pretending it was a GT racer).

 

 

we had these instead of tablets.

 

  VHS tapes were all the rage.  who knew if  rewinding VHS tapes actually wrecked your VHS player, but we had one of these anyway.  the cool people who had money had these in the shape of red sports cars.

 

 

i actually had this...technology at it's best: dual cassette player!

 

  we couldn't afford gaming systems so i'd spend all weekend at my cousins house playing this.

 

this was the actual remote for our tv....

 

...and this was our tv.

 

  my dad had this car but it was silver and made of pure steel.  we also didn't even have any car seats; my parents would let us ride up front - without seatbelts - or horse around in the back.

 

 

i loved saturday morning cartoons.

 

 

these were my favorite shows.

 

  i did my homework on typewriters. when my dad came  home with the brother word processor - you didn't have to manually push the lever to go to the next line AND you could type out a whole sentence first (and view it on that tiny screen) before you hit enter - we were thrilled.

then we upgraded to WordPerfect 3.1 and a slow-ass, single line print dot matrix printer that jammed every fucking time.

 

 

we didn't have the internet, google or wikipedia.  we used microfiche, encyclopedias and either wrote all the information we needed by hand or photocopied the pages if there was too much to write.

 

 

i loved these books/series.

 

 
i had this removable stereo system for my car.  it wasn't the face-plate that was removable (that was removable stereo system 2.0) but the entire unit came out of the dashboard.  it even had a handle.

 

 

man, i feel old.

weekly smiles....

 

i'm a little slow getting back to the blogosphere and into my blogging groove, mainly because i've been trying to avoid sitting for long periods so that i don't fall asleep.  these 5am workouts zap my energy by 2pm and i struggle to stay awake!  so this mama needs to keep moving to stay awake.

with so much stuff going on, there are lots of things for me to smile about.  this post will be a mish-mash of this week and the past holiday's smiles.

 

  got me some new ear candy over the holiday.  S&D was having a promo (spend $50 and get $25 dot dollars back).  uh, yes please!

 

 

i'll take a large boner anyday.

hubs and i were driving around running some errands when we spotted this sign.  totally made my day HAHAHA!

 

 

working out every day (if we didn't have plans to go anywhere in the morning) despite the holidays.  hubs and i arranged our schedules so that we both could workout.  btw, i'm so in love with my new tank!  hubs got it for me as one of my christmas pressies.

 

 

took advantage of pure + simple's holiday gift sets that were at a bargan price:  luxury lip trio (2 lip balms + 1 lip oil, $13) and a 3-pack of skin care products for sensitive skin (sensitive skin face oil, sensitive exfoliator/mask, sensitive skin cleansing milk, $52).  and a bonus?  they sent me an extra lip oil free of charge! 

 

 

storytime with grandpa {love!}

 

 

goofy pictures with the cousins are the best!

 

 

family photos.  trying to do more of these this year.

 

 

surprise gifts in the mail. fav pal, elisse, surprised me with this amazing gift of a cozy snood scarf, beautiful earrings, a workout top and a card that is awesome sauce.

 

 

my birthday dinner at my favorite restaurant.  for the first time since january 1, 2012, i ate whatever i wanted without guilt!  and that last dish?  that's a malaysian dessert called "sago-sago" which is tapioca in some kind of yummy syrup and coconut milk.  or as i like to call it:  mouthgasm in a bowl.

 

 

christmas dinner with the family.  among the dishes:  ackee/saltfish, oxtail (right), curry chicken, rice and peas, steamed veggies, home-made mac and cheese (for the kidlets).  YUM!

 

 

kayla in her new sleeping beauty dress that she got for christmas

 

 

  our annual girls' kris kringle.  table of good eats, friends, laughter, kidlets having fun (and making silly faces) presents, love all around. 

 

 

 

new, healthy recipes:  lemon and sea salt kale chips; overnight oats in a jar. 

 

starting my 5am workout routine this week to train my body to get used to it.  so far, not used to it.  in fact, it totally sucks balls.

 

 have a fantastic weekend!

tuesday letters from a fellow geek

 

Dear Instagram:  congratulations on screwing yourself out of business!  your first mistake was allowing facebook to take over and your second mistake was your suicide announcement of whoring and selling yourself out to third party companies.   your only reprieve is to allow an opt-out function or give users a cut of the money you will be stealing from them.

 

Dear Flickr or any other photo-sharing app:  take action NOW.  with instagram hurtling towards destruction, your time to come out as reigning champion has come.  users are angry and resentful about instagram's train-wreck new policy so take advantage of our vulnerability because we are open to new apps!  we are slaves to our incessant need to publicize every detail of our lives so get the fuck on it, update your mobile apps and push them out to both iphone and android app stores, pronto!

 

Dear Apple:  unless you come out with some radical new change or design to the iPhone, your time as king is coming to an end.  users can only take so many similar iterations of your rockstar phone and they'll get tired of getting the same thing with a bigger processer.   you currently have the ability to tightly control your ecosystem because your dominace allowed it however, don't go the way of RIM and expect your niche to carry you forever.  don't let your current power-hold over your followers cloud your judgement.  at some point, you need to let go of your steely grip on the world's balls and inject some flexibility.  believe me when i say that users WANT to customize their phones, not just geeks who love playing with gadgets but regular joes who are attached to their smartphones like a baby on its mother's teet.  while some may be loyal to your brand, we also have a huge propensity to follow the newest trend simply because our gadgets are extensions of who we are and if that is represtened in another phone/product, you damn straight we'll leave you and feel no way about it either.   so do something radical or relax your rules, otherwise you'll see people jumping ship.

ps - the android market share is increasing so while you never had to look over your shoulder before, you might want to take a peek every so often.  and by the way, that little persistent speck in the background?  that's Samsung and Android gaining speed and unless you change something,  get ready to be fucked and not in the good way either.  you're welcome.

 

Dear Google/Android:  your time as king is coming; i can feel it.  as your loyal servant, i have known it all along.  lure developers to build better apps; update the crappy ones you already have and get your shit together when it comes to pushing out updates.  i get that it's hard given your open source set-up and the billion and one android-based phones out there but the market is ripe for the taking so get on it, already.  more and more people are warming up to you so take advantage NOW.

 

Dear Samsung:  i predict that sooner than later, you will be the new leader of phone manufacturers.  keep doing what you're doing and you'll see the tides turning in your favor.  listen to user feedback, implement as much as you can and for fuck sakes, work with Google to stay up to date with current OS upgrades and push that shit out PRONTO.   also, Kies is bullshit; do something about that please!

 

Dear RIM:  what happened?  you were once the KING of all phones but your hubris and inability to go with the ever-flowing change of technology has reduced you to the laughing stock of the smart phone world.   i'm sorry; it's time to take you off life-support.  i honestly think that your only saviour is if you whore yourself out to one of the current giants and take it up the ass.   repeatedly.

 

Dear Microsoft:  see RIM.... although your Surface product is probably your saving grace.   it's actually pretty frigging cool and if you market that shit right, you can be like john travolta and pulp fiction  your way to an ass-kicking come-back.   ps -  making it available to all tablets/designs will be even cooler and increase your kung-fu.  

 

rock bottom in 2011, rock star in 2012

 

what a difference (almost) a year makes!  

 

aside from my awkward smile and pose in both pictures (why do i do that?!), i was really looking foward to this dinner with my girls not only to see and catch up with them (it's been waaayyy too long) but also to take the same photo with the same person sitting beside me; the photo that started it all and catapulted me into my journey towards a healthier me.  (i put a flower over my friend's gorgeous face  again just in case she doesn't want to be on this blog).

december 2011 was the year i call my "rock bottom" because  i tried countless times to get back in shape and failed.  it was only near the end of the year when i saw a photo of me that changed my life; it brought everything i was secretly loathing about myself to light.  rock bottom was what i needed to hit and feel in order to climb back on the fitness wagon and not be a mere passenger but be the fucking driver.

and i drove it 'til the fucking wheels fell off.

this year has been full of challenges for me from a fitness and strength perspective.  let's keep it real, folks:  losing weight and getting back in shape is goddamn hard.   i'll be honest and say that after years of a sedentary lifestyle, my fitness level was absolute shit.  i thought i had retained some muscle tone, strength and endurance from my previous years of healthy living but i was totally wrong - a 30 minute workout with 3lbs weights practically destroyed me.  three pounds!!   this, coming from a girl who used to live at the gym, squat 2 plates, lift 20lbs, bench about 30lbs and did 2 cardio classes just for fun.  

however deflating and discouraging as my physical condition was, i kept at it.  this year tested my strength because temptation was (is) all around me; all the freaking time.  the beginning was almost impossible and there were so many times i really had to dig deep within myself to find my will power and determination just to keep going.  i almost quit a few times but i pushed through, knowing that i had it in me to do this.   my body screamed and my muscles were wasted.  i wanted to cry from the pain for first few weeks but i was determined.  i kept going and each day, i got a little stronger which made things a little easier.  i hated it a little less and started enjoying it a little more.  what was once"effort" now became a habit and throughout all of this, i learned a lot - about myself, about weight loss, about nutrition and how all of this, how all of your success is directly related to your state of mind:  when you change your mind, you change your body.    

i learned that if you can find excuses, then you will find that excuse not to life a healthy lifestyle, exercise or eat clean.

i learned that i don't need [insert junk food here] to satiate my cravings and that equally delicious food can be found in a healthy variety.  

i learned what my body needs to get lean and fit.

i learned that the only person stopping me from achieving my fitness goals is me.

most of all, i  learned that i am strong - mentally and physically - and that i can accomplish anything i put my mind to.  yes, i got this.

looking at those two pictures makes me proud of how far i've come.  facing the things you dislike about yourself isn't easy but having to look at yourself in the mirror every day and knowing that you can do something about it but won't even try is even harder.

now on to the fun!

it's been a hectic and busy few months for everyone so when oysters and drinks were suggested, everyone jumped at the chance.  i'm not a fan of oysters but when you have an amazing group of girls like i do, you jump at any chance to hang with them.  what the december birthday girls didn't know was that under the guise of "just food and drinks", a surprise birthday celebration was in the works so we arrived to a table full of our loved ones, balloons and thoughtful gifts.   we laughed the night away over great food, wonderful chit-chat and just being surrounded by the people we love. 

i'm so lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends.

 

 

fall loves

 

 

holy crap, it's september 1st.  it's always a time of sadness and excitement because while i love the fall, i'm sad to see the summer go.  here's hoping for a warm fall season marked with pockets of hot temperatures (like this weekend!).

 

 

my favorite things about fall:

cozy sweaters | cool, fall nights | warm soups | halloween! | picking pumpkins | hot, delicious tea | fall boots

all of my fav shows are back:

big bang theory (who doesn't love geeks?!) | vampire diaries (oh, damon) | revenge | new girl

 

*********** 

 

with school starting on tuesday, kayla and i spent some quality mom and daughter time together: 

school shopping (wah! my baby girl is all grownsed up!) & getting our hair did | lots of morning cuddles | eye appointments (confirmed: she has eagle eyes) | lunching | looking so adorable

 

 what do you like about the fall?

 

random thursdays: current obsessions

 

gal pal, Leesh from the blarkness chronicles, has a fun post on her blog and i thought what the hell, why not?!  i have a bunch of unfinished posts that i'm too lazy to complete and this is a quick way to bang out my thoughts so here are my current obsessions:

 

 

white collar.   oh, neal caffrey..... you are all kinds of delicious man-hunk.   it's too bad you don't like vaginas because if you did, you can shoplift this pooty anytime.  

it took me a while to get into this show; the first season was a bit 'blah' at first mainly because there wasn't a trailing story line and in each episode, they  always solved the case.  boring.  however, the characters made up for it especially mozzie, the quirky, eccentric, brilliant conman and surprisingly, you learn to like tiffani theissen instead of wanting to punch her in the face.  part way through the second season, they started developing ongoing plots which totally reeled me  in and now i can't stop watching it.   i'm almost caught up (wah!) and currently looking for something else to watch so if you have any suggestions, please let me know.

suits.  another brilliant show.  it makes the summer evenings bearable to be able to watch something that's smart and witty on tv which is a blessed relief from all of those trashy bachelorette/bachelor bullshit that seems to occupy the majority of summer prime time television.   my favorite characters are donna and louis;  i'm so glad that they brought her back and give more camera time to louis litt.  tonight is the season finale (boo!) and i can't wait to watch it.

p90x.  we all know from my frequent fitness posts that i'll be doing this program for the next 90 days or at the very least, 60 days, after which i'll decide if i want to change things up and do an insanity/p90x hybrid program.  instead of my usual 5-day workout week, i've increased it to 6 days a week to maximize my results and so far, i'm loving what i'm seeing.   i've been taking progress pictures along the way, fitting into clothes i haven't worn in years (with room to spare!) and so in love with this program.

vega sport.  i've found an awesome supplement line that's natural, plant-based and vegan.  not that i'm a vegan but i know vegans like their food and products pure so i chose this line for that very reason.  it's not that expensive (average price for a jug of their stuff is about $40) and because it contains all natural and organic things, i'm not pouring harmful chemicals into my body.  my favorite after-workout drink to replace lost minerals/vitamins/proteins is blending the protein powder with a banana, ice, 1 cup of skim milk, 1/2 cup of fresh berries and a bit of water ... so delicious, refreshing and what my body needs after a hard workout.  i must warn you though:  because these products are plant-based, it makes you fart something awful.  like so bad you need to quarantine yourself a few hours after consumption.  

 

 

do you know what tophatter is?  if not, pretend you didn't see this because it's addictive and you'll hate me for introducing you to it.  it's a live auction site where you can buy or sell things.  you attend a virtual auction and place bids on a lot of cool stuff.  imagine etsy via live auction and that's what tophatter is.  i blame my friend, ro, for introducing me to this site because i can't stop looking at it!! since i've been cleaning out my closet and the rest of my house, i've found a ton of stuff to put up for auction so i've been cataloging my things and updating them onto this site.  my first auction is tomorrow!  wish me luck.

 

workout gear -- it's all i lust over these days.  

nike sports bras.  of all the sports bras i've worn over the years, nike has never failed me.   i'm built  like a domino so it's not as if i need a supporting bra but these tiny excuse for breasts need to be loved too.  

asics runners.   how awesome are these shoes ... how can a girl not love hot pink?  there's nothing more awesome than working out in cute gear and feeling like you're the bomb-diggity 

spalding capri leggings.  the best leggings for working out.  spalding doesn't only make tennis balls but exercise gear too!   i find mine at winners for $16.  they're so awesome i have 4 pairs.  they're cotton, breathable, so incredibly comfy (that i also wear them around the house) and hugs your ass like a gay man.

 

 what are you currently obsessed with?

 

 

what happens in the boudoir stays in the boudoir

 

{via}

 

i have very few things on my bucket list; i've crossed off some of them but for the most part, i'm content with what i have, what i've done and where i've gone.   i do however, have one item that was on the bottom of the list and i honestly thought that i'd never get around to it... until recently.

since i've been working out like a madwoman and getting to a fitness level i haven't been since my late teens/early 20s,  i've been seriously considering doing a boudoir photoshoot.  

*gasp*shock* .... i know.  

a long time ago, i saw a movie that had a black and white framed portrait of a woman  wearing nothing but a white shirt that was half unbuttoned, her hair tousled as if she just rolled out of bed.  when i saw that image (and for the life of me, i can't remember the name of the movie), i thought: that is one badass picture... one day i'm going to do that!  well, that day  may come sooner than i thought.  i figure i'm young now, i'm in pretty good shape and i don't know how long this {motioning to body} will last so i want to capture myself in this moment so that when i'm 80 and wrinkled, i can look back and remember this exact time in my life ... and tell my grandkids your granny was a badass motherfucker!

in my opinion, a boudoir shoot can go high on the cheese factor pretty fast.  i prefer tasteful and sexy instead of raunchy and slutty (and i've seen those shots, oh my!).  i don't want thongs or fishnets or  those strappy things that hold up your pantyhose.  i know exactly what i want to wear, what setting i would like to be in and how i want the photographs to look..... my problem is finding a photographer and a make-up artist, who i assume would have to be on-site for the entire shoot.  

i know lots of photographers and makeup artists who are friends but i'm thinking of using complete strangers because i might be a little gun shy when it's time to bare for the camera.  while i know my friends in the industry would be 100% professional if i did decide to hire them, it would be hard for me to keep a straight face  and be serious since i would probably laugh my ass off at every pose and ruin the entire shoot.  

 i would also need to go to a studio since i'm not comfortable doing this in my home.  the search for a toronto boudoir photographer is proving to be difficult mainly because i don't really know what to look for other than reviewing their portfolio.   i don't think any of my friends have done this so i can't ask for a referral either.  

i'd like to do this in spring 2013 when i've reached my fitness goals so i'm glad that i  have some time for more research.   if you've done a boudoir shoot or know of anyone who has, how was it?  please tell me!!