remember my last "the reality of...." post where i talked about nuclear farts from clean eating? if you think shit got real in that post, just wait till you get a load of today.... i bring you more honesty at the expense of my embarassment but hey, that's what i'm here for. you're welcome.
some crazy shit can happen when you train hard. ever heard of "runner's diarrhea"? that's when you shit yourself mid-run and there ain't nothing you can do about it except pray that you remembered to bring a change of clothes, curse your intestines and keep going. i know many people who have had this happen to them and they just kept going until the finish line. if that's not being a real trooper, i dont know what is.
today's wonderful topic is something that is never discussed because it's so fucking gross it makes me want to cry: hemmorrhoids. yes -- those god-awful things that ruin your life by setting up shop in your anus for a few days causing extreme discomfort and by that, i mean you want to weep the entire time you have it. you guys probably think i'm obsessed with anuses right? wrong. i am not here to gross you out; i'm here to kick down the walls of secrecy and keep it real by boldly stating that hemmorrhoids due to hard training is very real, folks; very real indeed!
and i'm just gonna be straight with you and admit that i'm in the process of treating this unwelcome guest that suddenly appeared in my pants. do not judge me bitches. do not snicker and laugh because did you know that by the time we're 50, more than half the female population will experince this unpleasantness?! this could mean you, so give me your sympathy and thank me for telling you how to exorcise this evil demon from your asshole safely and effectively. again, you're welcome.
to make this post more colorful, this is how i spent my weekend:
and no, it wasn't because i strain when i shit, it wasn't because i hold in my shit, it wasn't because i don't eat enough fiber or i'm constipated. in fact, when i researched "causes of hemmorrhoids", i actually follow all the things to prevent hemmorrhoids: lots of water (i drink about 2L daily), plenty of fiber (i have 1.5 bowls of oatmeal + chia seeds daily with tons of fruits/veggies throughout the day) and regular exercise (i workout 5-6 times per week).
so what gives, hemmorrhoids? why the fuck are you ruining my life?!
after more research, i discovered the culprit: weight lifting. it's gotta be the reason. in the past 2 weeks, i've increased my weights and have moved from a standing position to lift to sitting on the bench due to the heavy weights. when i stand and lift, i engage my core and stiffen my lower body to protect my lower back so no straining occurs in my nether regions. it appears that when i sit down and lift, i don't fully engage my lower body, hence this bullshit i've had to deal with all weekend that made my life a living hell and even woke me up/kept me up at night with fire-ass.
seriously folks, this is the most unpleasant thing i've ever had to deal with. even after birth, after the doctor had to hack his way through my parts to get kayla out, i wasn't this uncomfortable. moms, you know what i'm talking about when i talk about the state of your vagina after birth and if i say this is more uncomfortable and painful than after-birth, you know i mean business.
and the treatment isn't any less embarassing. i could've gone the conventional way with a topical cream (Preparation H/Tucks pads etc) but i didn't like the idea of chemicals all up in my junk so i went the all-natural route: a sitz bath. can i tell you how much i hate the sitz bath. although it's nothing but sitting in a warm pool of water with epsom salts, it's the feeling of your bare ass on the toilet in a pool of warmth that is very off-putting and every time i do it (which is a very inconvenient 3 times a day for 15-20mins each time), i have to wash myself because sitting in a pool of warm water on a frigging toilet and then just getting up and walking away is all kinds of wrong. just to clarify, a sitz bath is a plastic contraption that fits over your toilet on which you sit as the warm, epsomy (salt) water gently laps the fire away. and don't go too crazy with the epsom salt; dumping in an extra cup thinking that the stronger solution will cauterize the fuck out of those bastards is completely wrong! all you're doing is making it worse by turning your brown eye into a dried up starfish that itches and burns like fire ants crawling all around your anus. i may or may not have experienced this.
anyblows, after inconveniently sitzing myself all weekend 3 times a fucking day, i'm happy to say that my condition is nearly gone. my dry ass is also almost healed thanks to copius amounts of argan oil that made me feel like i was in gay porn.
i hope your weekend was better than mine. i should flag this post under "Monday De-Motivation" because seriously, i wouldn't want to workout either after reading this.