Vodka and Soda

the reality of weight lifting: it can get ugly "down there"

 

remember my last "the reality of...." post where i talked about nuclear farts from clean eating?  if you think shit got real in that post, just wait till you get a load of today....  i bring you more honesty at the expense of my embarassment but hey, that's what i'm here for.  you're welcome.

some crazy shit can happen when you train hard.  ever heard of "runner's diarrhea"?  that's when you shit yourself mid-run and there ain't nothing you can do about it except pray that you remembered to bring a change of clothes, curse your intestines and keep going.  i know many people who have had this happen to them and they just kept going until the finish line.  if that's not being a real trooper,  i dont know what is.

today's wonderful topic is something that is never discussed because it's so fucking gross it makes me want to cry:   hemmorrhoids.  yes -- those god-awful things that ruin your life by setting up shop in your anus for a few days causing extreme discomfort and by that, i mean you want to weep the entire time you have it.  you guys probably think i'm obsessed with anuses right?  wrong.  i am not here to gross you out;  i'm here to kick down the walls of secrecy and keep it real by boldly stating that hemmorrhoids due to hard training is very real, folks; very real indeed!

and i'm just gonna be straight with you and admit that i'm in the process of treating this unwelcome guest that suddenly appeared in my pants.  do not judge me bitches.  do not snicker and laugh because did you know that by the time we're 50, more than half the female population will experince this unpleasantness?! this could mean you, so give me your sympathy and thank me for telling you how to exorcise this evil demon from your asshole safely and effectively.  again, you're welcome.

to make this post more colorful, this is how i spent my weekend:

it was not a pleasant weekend; not pleasant at all. 

and no,  it wasn't because i strain when i shit, it wasn't because i hold in my shit, it wasn't because i don't eat enough fiber or i'm constipated.  in fact, when i researched "causes of hemmorrhoids", i actually follow all the things to prevent hemmorrhoids:  lots of water (i drink about 2L daily), plenty of fiber (i have 1.5 bowls of oatmeal + chia seeds daily with tons of fruits/veggies throughout the day) and regular exercise (i workout 5-6 times per week).  

so what gives, hemmorrhoids? why the fuck are you ruining my life?! 

after more research, i discovered the culprit:  weight lifting.  it's gotta be the reason.  in the past 2 weeks, i've increased my weights and have moved from a standing position to lift to sitting on the bench due to the heavy weights.  when i stand and lift, i engage my core and stiffen my lower body to protect my lower back so no straining occurs in my nether regions.  it appears that when i sit down and lift, i don't fully engage my lower body, hence this bullshit i've had to deal with all weekend that made my life a living hell and even woke me up/kept me up at night with fire-ass. 

seriously folks, this is the most unpleasant thing i've ever had to deal with.  even after birth, after the doctor had to hack his way through my parts to get kayla out, i wasn't this uncomfortable.  moms, you know what i'm talking about when i talk about the state of your vagina after birth and if i say this is more uncomfortable and painful than after-birth, you know i mean business.

and the treatment isn't any less embarassing.  i could've gone the conventional way with a topical cream (Preparation H/Tucks pads etc) but i didn't like the idea of chemicals all up in my junk so i went the all-natural route:  a sitz bath.  can i tell you how much i hate the sitz bath.  although it's nothing but sitting in a warm pool of water with epsom salts, it's the feeling of your bare ass on the toilet in a pool of warmth that is very off-putting and every time i do it (which is a very inconvenient 3 times a day for 15-20mins each time), i have to wash myself because sitting in a pool of warm water on a frigging toilet and then just getting up and walking away is all kinds of wrong.  just to clarify,  a sitz bath is a plastic contraption that fits over your toilet on which you sit as the warm, epsomy (salt) water gently laps the fire away.  and don't go too crazy with the epsom salt; dumping in an extra cup thinking that the stronger solution will cauterize the fuck out of those bastards is completely wrong!  all you're doing is making it worse by turning your brown eye into a dried up starfish that itches and burns like fire ants crawling all around your anus.  i may or may not have experienced this.

anyblows, after inconveniently sitzing myself all weekend 3 times a fucking day, i'm happy to say that my condition is nearly gone.  my dry ass is also almost healed thanks to copius amounts of argan oil that made me feel like i was in gay porn. 

i hope your weekend was better than mine.  i should flag this post under "Monday De-Motivation" because seriously, i wouldn't want to workout either after reading this.

weekly smiles

 

 

ok everyone, i need to talk about this show: Vikings.  on the history channel. tune your DVR/PVR right now to record it every sunday.... trust me, you won't regret it.  it's totally awesome and by awesome i mean the main guy is so hot in his viking, savage, intense, reminds-me-of-jax-on-sons-of-anarchy, baddassery kinda way.   it's about Vikings (duh) searching for treasure, Rathgar Lothbrok (main hotness) and his daily goings on, there's a boat, an asshole greedy earl, some robbing and pillaging of villages, sword play (actually, axes; they prefer axes) but who really cares about all that because didn't you read what i wrote?! the main guy is hot with his baby blue eyes and gives you major eyegasms! (all kidding aside, it's a really good show and got picked up for a second season).

 

 

i had no other jeans to wear (it's laundry day) so i wore my size 4s.... and they're way too lose! which means it's time to shop which is awesome in so many ways.

 

 

i finally got my flipbelt!  now i don't have to carry all my shit in my pockets, all jangly and bugging me while i run.  it's snug, fits like a glove and doesn't budge.  you can stuff a whole crap load of things in here - my giant HTC OneX phone, keys, money, credit cards, protein bars...whatever you fancy!

 

 

 

i also gots me a footpod that fits snugly onto my shoe and calibrates with my HRM.  i'll  be wearing this whenever i'm running and doing trails/uphill sprints to track my entire distance as  i run towards death.

 

 

we had one decent day weather wise (seriously mother nature, what is your fucking deal?!) and kayla asked me to bring her teddy...instead of driving, i decided to walk to pick her up from school so i carried this all the way despite all the weird looks i got.

 

 

had a fantastic steak dinner last saturday.... 6oz, medium rare, new york steak at the Keg. couldn't get this in my belly fast enough...nom nom.

 the green living show is in town over the weekend so i'm meeting a friend there today after work.  i'm looking for beauty and home cleaning products....  another post to come about this fantastic event.

 

 

 

when you have an only child, this is what happens, LOLZ.

 

 

have a great weekend!

the reality of clean eating: farts.

 

imma get this party started with this bold statement:  i fart daily and it ain't pretty.

it's not something i'm proud of and i by that, i think it's funny as hell.  what's even funnier is my husband's reaction (him putting his shirt over his nose, saying "eww! baby! stop that!") and my reaction which usually involves me laughing like a loon and then putting on a dead-serious look on my face and saying "make love to me".  best.  the fact that he still keeps me around after all this means he really does love me.

so here's the deal with my farts:  it's not because i'm gross or unhygenic;  it's all because of my clean eating.  for reals yo, when you eat clean, you produce more gas and more gas equals major offending odour coming out of your ass... it's as simple as that.  don't think that i fart when i get the urge; i ain't 60!  i save all of that up for when i get home so i can offend my family.

who said fitness is all sunshine and rainbows?

if you've been following me on IG or reading my blog on the regular, you know that i'm a 100% clean eater.  i haven't had any junk/sweets/soda/processed/crap food in well over a year and while clean eating has turned my life around in so many positive ways (i sleep better, i feel better, i've lost weight, i've developed awesome muscles, my skin is incredible etc), the nasty farts are a real thing.

and by "real", i mean nasty, rancid farts that i even disgust myself sometimes and by sometimes, i mean all the time.

after some research, i've discovered the following:

• eating clean means an increase in proten and fiber intake which, when broken down in the (small) intestine, produces gas. and when you produce gas, you produce farts and when you produce farts, you produce laughter because farts are always funny.
• protein coming from eggs are one of the worst offenders....and i eat 4 hard boiled egg whites 6 out of 7 days of the week so needless to say, i can hardly stand to be around myself.
• because of copious  amounts of fiber and protein, drinking plenty of water daily and exercising is a must to keep things moving; the longer food stays in your small intestine, the greater your chances to produce killer farts.
• certain foods - namely broccoli, cauliflower, beans, dairy, whole grains, eggs - are the most gas-producing when processed by the body... and i eat almost all of these except for the dairy and beans.
• eating uncooked vegetables will produce higher than normal gas so cooking veggies will help reduce gas production.

i've noticed that when i don't drink enough water, eat too much quinoa, eat whole grain bread or red meat twice a day, i'm at my worst so i have to watch what i eat to prevent the party in my anus from getting out of control.

sorry if i grossed any of you out by this post and by sorry, i mean you're welcome.

i'd forgotten how much fun it was to write about farts.

 

please tell me i'm not the only clean eater who experiences this?

 

 

motivation mondays: it doesn't get easier...

 

 

exercise and fitness doesn't get easier;  you just get better.

and stronger.

when it starts to become easy; when you start to "cruise" through your workouts, you're not challenging yourself.

you're not changing anything.

and anything worth changing takes work; hard fucking work.

which is why weight loss and getting fit is hard fucking work. 

when you first start exercising, you're going to suck -- bad. 

but everyone does. remember this.

remember that athletes and fit people aren't born; they're made.

everyone, at the beginning of their fitness journey, suck.  with every new program or exercise, you will suck.

but with every lift, every run, every jump, every sprint, every workout,

you will get better.

your body will get stronger.

you're better than you were yesterday. or the day before that. or the day before that.

and that brings you one step closer to your fitness goals.

your muscles will adapt.  your heart will pump more blood; work harder, get stronger.

your muscles will hurt.

your body will scream.

you will be tired.

you'll want to give up

but don't; that just means it's working.

so keep going.

if you don't want to suck forever, stop quitting.

weekly smiles

 

 it's been a while since i've had time to do a 'weekly smiles' post so here is my diarrhea of pictures.

 

my 3 favorite workouts. i've upped my game and dedicated myself to working the full body beast calendar (instead of picking and choosing the workouts) with one modification:  it's a hybrid program which means alternating weights with HIIT cardio (one of asylum or rushfit) and  working out 3 times every other day.   i'm seeing amazing results from this too!

 

 

because of the above, three people at the office stopped me in the hall last week and asked if i work out "because they could really tell".   this made me really happy.  i mean, i know that i work hard but it's nice to know that people can actually see it.  they then proceeded to grill me with questions about what i do, how i did it and what they should do which resulted in me canceling an actual work meeting to discuss this very important matter.  i obviously know how to prioritize!

 

 

.....and the amazing results.  i never really put any focus on my traps; they mainly get worked indirectly via arm, shoulders and back lifts but lookie, i haz dem. 

i don't really focus on my legs either since they're the first things to get toned nor have i ever had much calf definition but i haz dem too.  for sure these are because of Rushfit and Asylum and all that crazy plyo. 

oh, i also love my guns.  i know it may seem narcissistic that i'm always taking pictures of my progress but i've worked so hard at building and defining my arms and shoulders that i flex and take pictures during every workout.  i lurrrve my bro workouts!

 

 

....i'm sorry for all of these progress pictures but this made me so fucking happy i could cry.  i bought my first pair of Fidelity jeans when i was 21.  back then, i was rail thin from all the hardcore raving so a size 26 was nothing.   when i gained weight, i couldn't bear to donate them so they (along with 3 other pairs of my skinny designer jeans) were stowed away in the back of my closet so i could avoid the guilt and shame of not being able to wear them.   while cleaning out my closet for yet another round of donations, i stumbled upon these and decided to give them a go...and holymotherfucker they fit like a glove; one of them a tad loose.  i screamed like a loon and immediately snapped a bunch of photographs to record this historic event.

 

 

target finally got their shit together and came up to the friendly north.  my opinion so far?  "meh".   it was only a soft launch so many of the stores experienced massive inventory drainage from us crazy canadians ravaging the shelves.  i found a few things - camis for $8 and my workout gloves for $14 (way better than the $25 i was going to spend at sport chek).   the only disappointment was that many of the items didn't have target prices and by that i mean clothes for $15 or cheaper.  boo.

 

 

a while back, beachbody canada contacted me to review the Brazil Buttlift program and the other day, i received an email from the same lady informing me that shaun t. was coming to canada and she wanted to invite me/give me a heads up about this event.   need to figure out work schedule to see if i can make it!

 

it's like fucking christmas 'round here!  i won tickets to the one of a kind show happening march 27-31.  leesh and i usually go every year but only to the christmas show since the spring show is smaller and not really worth the price of the tickets but since they're free, hellz yeah i'm going!

 

 

 

when prepping my (work) meals the other night, i realized i was out of my oatmeal packets.  i usually buy the ones from EcoPlanet and i was in a bit of a panic since it was already late (read: i was in my PJs and too lazy to go out) but then it hit me: i can make my own!  i have all the ingredients so i threw everything into a ziploc bag and voila!  instant oatmeal packets :)

 

 

  

mother nature finally got her head out of her ass and granted us some decent weather.  still not as warm as i'd like but i'll take anything above 0C.  instead of driving, kayla and i walked to school and this is my crazy monkey running all the way home. 

 

 have a great easter weekend!!

motivation mondays: just do it.

 

 prior to 2012, i tried so many times to lose weight and failed.

because i always had excuses.

because i wasn't motivated enough.

and what it really came down to was that i didn't want it bad enough

and i let laziness govern my life.

i let my brain interfere with with the amazing things that my body can do.

we've all been there before; we all have struggled with our weight and lack of motivation.

but this does not define you;

it's what you do about these things that does.

i dedicated all of 2012 to get in shape and i did.

but even now over 1 year later, as much as i love fitness and being healthy, i sometimes struggle with the "ugh, i so don't want to exercise today!" and would rather lie in bed.

what we have to remember is that the beginning is always the hardest.

once you stand up and start moving around, that feeling almost always goes away.... at least for me it does.

and as soon as i start my warm up, i get fucking pumped that i'm about to kick some serious ass.

even if you're in your initial stages of your fitness journey, the beginning will always be the hardest.

so just do it.

just get up, push those negative thoughts out of your head and lace up your shoes.

as soon as i start thinking "ugh, i so don't want to exericse", i quickly get up and get moving before my brain has enough time to convince my body...

because your body can do anything, it's just your brain that you have to convince.

 

OAL: beast mode, on.

 

it's been a while since i've updated y'all with my personal fitness progress.

in my last OAL update, i finished p90x with incredible results.  not only did i lose even more inches but i developed amazing muscle definition and size that i haven't had since i lived at the gym back in my early 20s.  in fact, i'm in the best shape of my life.

i stopped tracking calories long ago but continue to eat clean and never stray from my healthy eating - ever....  not during holidays, not during vacation - never.

because it's not worth it for me nor do i even crave it in the least.

because of this, remember those 7 jeans that i bought in orlando? the ones that are a size 27?  well, they're loose on me. 

because of this, the capris i saved for "when i got skinny again" are now so huge on me that i couldn't even take them to aruba.

because of this, the shorts that once refused to button up are too loose on me.

yay for health and fitness!

a few things have changed since my journey started, all positive:

....i moved from "weight loss mode" to "maintenance mode".  actually, it's now "beast mode" since i'm working to build my strength and stamina for tough mudder and get more muscle and definition.  if the weight drops off, so be it but that's no longer my number one priority.  it's actually quite nice to not have to wonder if i'm actually losing weight because i've already hit the majority of my fitness goals and target size.

....since my journey began at the beginning of 2012, i never cared about the scale and still don't.  just for fun, i stepped on the scale the other day and i'm at 132lbs.  i had a loose target of 130lbs and whether or not i hit it wasn't really my concern but i was very pleasantly surprised to see that number on the scale.

....my resting heart rate went from 79bpm to 60.  i looked that up and 60bpm for a 37yr old female puts me at "excellent".  for reference purposes, my previous resting heart rate was considered "below average".  the resting heart rate for a 37 year old female athlete is 54-59 so i'm one heart beat away from calling myself an athlete.  maybe i'll do that after tough mudder haha.

....i realized that i can no longer burn more than 400 calories during a workout nor can i easily hit my target (max) heart rate anymore.   regardless of how intense the workout is or how hard i workout, i have a hard time even burning 350 cals or hitting my max heart rate.   this morning i did insanity asylum's power legs which is 50 minutes of screaming, grunting, cussing at the tv, full-on plyometric jump training/drills with resistence bands; where each interval is 60-90 seconds long of repeated death (instead of the traditional 30 seconds) and as i lay on the ground panting and weeping, i looked at my HRM and saw that i only burned 320 calories!  the great thing is that i actually hit my max heart rate and sustained it for about 20% of my workout.  20% is better than 2% so i'll take that as a win.

after researching and endlessly grilling everyone on various fitness forums, it seems that this is normal; that at a certain fitness level, your body gets more efficient at delivering oxygen and other nutrients to the organs and muscles therefore it doesn't burn as many calories as it used at lower fitness levels.   hey, that answer works for me.

....i continued with p90x for another month because i loved what it did for my body.  as i was getting tired of those workouts, i stumbled upon body beast, which i LOVE.  i call it my 'bro' workout because all they do is call each other 'bro'... makes me laugh.  i workout 5 or 6 times a week, alternating body beast with HIIT cardio (a mixture of insanity asylum 1 and 2, GSP Rushfit or Les Mills Ultimate Warrior) every other day.   

 

body beast is all about dynamic set training which includes supersets, progressive and drop set training, working all muscles in the body. basically, you work until muscle failure or you start to cry, whichever comes first. each workout is about 40-45mins long; add in core workouts every other day and the workouts are just over an hour.

 

 

i'm not a fan of boring ol' conventional cardio (read:  indoor machines, hence my treadmill is used as a towel holder) but i'll run outside, do HIIT cardio or power yoga any day (do you know how hard it was to take that picture while trying to maintain perfect chair pose?).  it appears that i'm a glutton for punishment and pain because i do plyometric jump training and drills with resistence bands.  yikes!

 

  what i love about this picture:   everything!  i especially like my upper body.  thanks to my bro workouts, i'm also starting to get that "V" shape due to punishing back and overall upper body workouts.

 

what workouts do you love?

aruba 2013 recap

 

 

this is what i was stared at every day during my wonderful time in Aruba.

 

aruba was awesome.  here's why:

the weather was nothing short of gorgeous.  not a drop of rain or grey skies; just fun, sun and sandy beaches.

did you know that aruba doesn't even have a weather channel or station?  it's always sunny, that's why.

trade winds that keep the bugs away (seriously, no creepy-crawlies or mosquitoes) and cool you down as the sun kisses your skin.

never-ending mojitos. or pina coladas. or whatever drink you fancied.  yay for all inclusive!

i ate healthy amidst all the desserts and bad food that all-inclusive deals throw at you.  gimmie a woot!

kayla had a blast with her cousins... which meant that i could actually be lazy and do nothing but lie in the sun, work on my tan and listen to my music.

i actually wore a hot-pink bikini and felt amazing in it.

the beaches are absolutely to die for.  gorgeous white sand, crystal blue water.... oh, how i miss it.  now i look out the window and only see white bullshit snow all over the ground :(

got hit on by a few guys. while it was weird and creepy at the time (causing me to panic and run away), i'll be honest and admit that it felt pretty good to know that people other than my husband find me attractive because most of the time, i feel like an old hag! must be the workouts.

speaking of workouts, as i was standing by the pool sipping a mojito in said hot pink bikini, i looked up and an old friend whom i haven't seen since grade 10 was standing in front of me with a big smile.  behind my sunglasses, my eyes frantically scanned the area for my cover-up or towel but there was nothing....then i silently thought in my head:  "thank god i've been working out!" heheh.

the island is so friendly and safe that we went for a stroll every night around the markets and no one harassed us for money or pestered us to buy useless shit.

i bought a gucci bag at the swanky gucci store for a fraction of what it would have cost me here and i didn't even feel one bit of guilt over it.

kayla was an awesome traveller.  despite the late arrival times, she was a trooper through and through with zero crying, freak-outs or melt-downs.

kayla actually napped every day. she hasn't napped that consistently since she was about 2.5 years old...which meant that mommy got to nap too.

now for picture vomit:

  family photo || gorgeous beaches || sunset dinner

 

aruba has trademarked "i ♥ aruba" and these adorable signs are everywhere! || when i was in aruba back in 2001, i stood by this very sign that had the old Holiday Inn logo (i also like the way my arms look in this photo).

 

another sunset dinner || one of my fav photos with kayla || frolicking on the beach with the fam || cousins.

 

 

love this family photo || what i saw every day as i lay in the sun || relaxing on the beach

 

 

adorable keepsake we had made for our trip || hubs and kayla biking around the island

motivation mondays: set yourself up for success

 

 to get ahead in life, you have to have a plan whether that be advancing your career, gaining financial stability or having a family.

weight loss and hitting your fitness goals are no different.

after all, if you don't have a plan, how do you expect to understand what needs work, what you need to do and how you're going to accomplish your goals?

there are so many people who "wing it" when it comes to weight loss and/or fitness; who don't bother to plan their meals, end up starving and eat crap.  they head to the gym without any planned workouts or targets they want to hit which usually results in 1) being a social call (read: no workout or crappy workout) 2) aimlessly fuddling around and only half-working out 3) they don't feel accomplished 4) they don't feel motivated.

what's the result?  loss of motivation because they don't see results.

the key to weight loss is not only about eating right and exercising regularly, but creating a plan of  what you want to accomplish, what your goals are and then how you plan to achieve each goal.  what exercises do you plan to do?  when?  how many days of the week? for how long?  what are you going to eat to fuel your body?

knowing this and planning for this is more than half the battle.

we all know that weight loss is 80% diet.  the most common reason why people never see results or see very little results is because they sabotage their efforts through an improper diet. while you can probably get away with this if you're already fit, you're a rare breed blessed with a super-fast metabolism or have an overactive thyroid, for the rest of us regular folk:  you cannot train your way out of a shitty diet.

proper nutrition is all about understanding what are healthy foods and how they work with your body, which foods do what for your body and how often you need to eat to help you feel fulfilled and stabilize your blood glucose levels during the day.  this is why it's so important to plan out your meals on a weekly basis.  i do this every saturday evening and then i spend sunday morning shopping for my ingredients and sunday evening preparing my meals for the week.  this allows me to avoid bad food choices and eat healthy throughout the day.  you should see the giant cooler of food i lug to work every day.

when it come to exercise, schedule it into your day.  i find that when you randomly exercise at no set time, it's hard to develop that into a habit.  just like your regular routine of getting up, brushing your teeth, showering, getting ready etc, you do this involuntary because it's what you always do.  if you workout every day at a set time, it quickly becomes part of your daily routine and therefore, a habit will form and you will just need to workout by X time otherwise your day feels "off".

set yourself up for success to achieve your goals and get the body you want/fitness level you desire by challenging yourself during every workout.  how are you going to improve if you're always on cruise control? 

 how can you run faster if you don't increase your speed?

how can you  lift heavier or get more definition if you don't increase your weight or reps?

how can you improve your cardio endurance if you don't increase your intensity and duration?

you've decided to change your life and your body; now put in the work to set yourself up for success by planning it out.

you won't be sorry.

it's ok.....

....that this post is a scheduled one!

....that i worked out extra hard the past 2 weeks because of this vacation.

....because of said extra hard workouts, i plan to be half-naked as much as possible...and feel comfortable with it!

....that because of said half-nakedness, everything i needed for this vacation fit into my carry-on.

....to find out that the only way i can burn over 400 calories during exericse is to exercise TWICE in a day! (yay for awesome fitness level but boo for needing to do that!)

....that the old beachy-shorts i saved for when i "got thinner" are now too big for me!  hell yeah, that's just fine by me!

....to be excited about the new mall across the street from our hotel - it has designer brands (gucci/LV etc etc) at a discounted rate!

....to unplug from social media during vacation..... or at least try to (although you might see a few instagrams from me and by a few, i mean a lot).

 ....to miss you all & this blog when i'm away!

 

have a great week!!!!