june is a very special month for me; not only because my baby girl was born in this month but because in june 2011, my psychiatrist gave me a clean bill of (mental) health - i was suffering from major depressive disorder, high anxiety disorder and OCD for nearly three years, all triggered by my pregnancy.
june is bittersweet for me - it brings back memories of happines (kayla was born), pain, anguish and despair (depression/PPD) and relief (therapy) and every year, i reflect about my journey through life, the things i've done and everything i've experienced (the good and bad), what i went through and how far i've come.
i've posted about my depression before - how it robbed me of my sleep, sanity and happiness. how it nearly destroyed my marriage. how the fear, blackness, despair and anxiety plagued me for nearly three years. how i basically stopped eating and dropped to a dangerous 108lbs. how i had so much trouble enjoying motherhood that first year and the guilt i felt afterwards. depression is something that i never thought i'd ever experience because i'm the total opposite of what i had become - scared, sad, unhappy, anxious, nervous, defeated. i won't go into any more details but needless to say, it was not a good time.
but i don't dwell on the past nor do let that define my future. i only focus on the present and i'm content with my life, what i have and what i've become.
and what i've become is a person who can think of my life, of things in my life, and feel peace. there's nothing like traumatic events to shock perspective into your life.... all that shit that i used to fret over - work, climbing up the corporate ladder and money being the three bigger ones - now only serve to help me live a full and happy life and i've adopted the european way of living: work to live, not live to work.
it's fucking liberating, is what it is.
corporate ladder? forget about it. i love my career but it's not my be all end all. i'm extremely thankful that i have a lucrative career and that get to wake up every day loving what i do; i work my ass off but come 3pm, it's family time. i clock the fuck out and don't even step to me unless shit is burning in a fire. work stays at work and my weekends are for me/my family.
money? i'm frugal when i need to be but you damn straight that i will spend money for a good time because guess what? you can always make more money. you can't take money with you when you're dead so if that means spending on vacation or pamering yourself at the spa or just shopping because i damn well feel like it, i'm spending because the memories you make with friends and family or the happiness you feel can never be measured to a dollar value.
if it's one thing i learned through my depression is that you can never take anything for granted; it teaches you what's really important in life - family, friends, laughter and love. the rest is just noise that you can choose to allow it to impact your life, or walk away from it. i choose the latter every time because i have zero time for negativity or drama in my life.
life is too short to live with regrets so take chances. try something and be ok if you fail at it. celebrate every victory whether big or small and love those around you with everything you have because you never know what may happen tomorrow.
this concludes our sappy post for the year; back to our regularly scheduled sardonic assholery [despite what y'all think, i do have feelings and depth, you know].
now i leave you with this song from the ever-talented U2/bono because everyday is a beautiful day; don't let it get away.
also, ryan wants you to hump his face so let's not forget tomorrow's humpday confessions linkup where we tell all the secrets in our hair!