Vodka and Soda

not all pictures are of happy memories

 

 

the other day, my hubs showed me this picture he stumbled across while looking at old photos.  most of the time, old photographs ellicit feelings of happiness; this photograph does not.  in fact, i'm reminded of dark times and sadness.

this is me in 2009 at the height of my depression, about a month before i sought treatment.    i was about 105lbs here; my  normal weight is about 130lbs.  

i remember this day clearly; it was a birthday party for our friends' daughter and i contemplated not going because i felt so awful.  i struggled to find the courage to face people and i just didn't want to be out in public.  depression does that; it causes you to alienate everyone around you, including yourself.  all you want to do is lie in bed and hide in your house, enveloped by your own fears, anxiety and darkness.

i can't believe how thin i was here.  i was wearing a size 00 shorts and still had to wear a belt.  that shirt was a size xs and i was swimming in it.  you could see all the bones sticking out of my body; if i turned around, my rib cage popped out of my back.  my arms were rail thin and my hips jutted out.  in other words, i had no fat on my body and i was 'sharp' because my bones stuck out every which way.   people who saw me walked right by  because they didn't even recognize my face.  luckily, i was wearing sunglasses in this picture (and i never took them off that day) because it hid my eyes which were pretty  much black pits of dispair.  this sounds like a line in a creepy novel but it's true -- my eyes gave away my state of mind because there wasn't anything but sadness behind them.  they had sunk into my face; i had black circles underneath from being up all night for almost 2 years because of the crazy anxiety that prevented me from sleeping more than an hour at a time.    

although this chapter in my life has thankfully ended, it still remains crystal clear in my mind - what i went through, how i felt, how dark everything was and how desperate i felt.   this is why i cherish every moment i have with my family and friends; why i don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy what i have and most of all, live every moment.

i have several pictures of me during this time, most of which i don't look at but once in a while, i pull them out to remember that time and how far i've come.  in a weird way, i use it as a reminder to never take anything for granted because at one point, i nearly lost everything.

photo fridays: beautiful vancouver

 

in 2003, hubs and i took a trip out west to beautiful vancouver, british columbia.  it was my first time there and it was also a special occasion because we had just gotten engaged. 

we stayed with some good friends who were toronto transplants; they welcomed us with open arms and took some time off to take us around for the week.   we did all the touristy things like bike riding in stanley park, going to kits beach, visiting capilano bridge, taking a day trip to whistler and seattle and hanging out on robson street where there's a starbucks every second store.  each night we went out for dinner, hung out with friends and i think we may have gone clubbing in gas town.  

 

don't you think this could be a Gap ad?

 

when hubs and i travel, we always take "model" shots of each other because we're ghey like that.  

 

we went in the month of september and while the vancouverites may complain a lot about the rain in the city, it was bright and sunny the entire time we were there so we spent a lot of time outdoors taking in the sights, visiting friends and enjoying the city.  if you're ever in vancouver, you must go to Daiso - only the best store that's ever been built.  imagine a dollar store on steroids with way cooler stuff.  

vancouver is a gorgeous city and i could totally see myself living there.   if you ever plan a trip out there, here are my favorite things to do:

• go shopping on robson street - love the stores there!
• people watch on robson street.  there's a coffee shop at every corner (no joke) so sit back, have some java and watch everyone as they walk by in yoga pants holding a starbucks coffee cup
• there's an amazing cupcake place on robson street (can't remember the name) but they have yummy cupcakes....although if you're lactose intolerant like me, maybe you should skip this or you may wind up shitting out your insides like i did.  no bueno.
• biking in stanley park - it's so gorgeous
• visit the aquarium at stanley park - amazing!
• go to kits beach. the real estate is incredible and the beach is nice
• didn't i say go to daiso?  
• smoke some bc weed.  just kidding.  sort of :\
• visit the campus of the university of british columbia... it's so beautiful.  
• go to whistler!  what a gorgeous place and the drive up in awesome

 

have a great weekend!! we're off to the thousand islands to go camping until sunday evening (and by camping, i mean staying in an air-conditioned "kottage" on the koa kamp grounds)

photo fridays: 5 years old

 

while reorganizing our office, hubs found this gem:

 

this picture was taken in 1980;  i was 5 years old. don't you love the wood paneling?  and for  real yo, what was my  mom thinking making me sport that hair cut.  talk about lego hair at its finest.

i was at my cousins house and i was wearing my favorite tshirt - my pink pegasus shirt and i wore that every chance i got.  i remember begging my mom to buy it for me at fairview mall in a store that made "custom" tshirts using a hot press.  i remember looking through a big black binder of images, finding the pegasus image, thinking to myself that my life would be complete if i had a pegasus shirt and right after it was done, it had that weird, plastic smell that stayed with the shirt even after several washes.  best.

why pegasus and not something princessy?  because at the time, this was my favorite cartoon and pegasus would sometimes make an appearance:

 

the mighty hercules!   i wasn't really into the girly stuff like strawberry short cake, i had never heard of princesses and i barely played with barbies (maybe because we couldn't afford them).   even at 5 years old, i was a geek and a lover of superheroes;  i guess i know where kayla gets it from.

 at least my bangs hide my exceptionally large eyebrows for a 5 year old kid.  maybe that's why my mom decided this was the best hair cut for me.

photo fridays: rome, italy

our last stop during our 3-week trip to italy was rome.  we stayed for a glorious 6 days and walked a thousand miles - or at least it felt like it because we dropped off the car as soon as we pulled into the city and hoofed it every where else.

 

the Coliseum

you hear all about the breath-taking coliseum.  it's situated in the middle of a busy intersection and the residents drive by it every day on their way to work like it's no big deal.   i remember turning the corner of that intersection only to abruptly stop in awe of this monument.  it is as wonderous and beautiful as everyone says.

 

we climbed up to the top of St. Peter's Basilica to see this gorgeous view

i don't quite remember how we got to vatican city because it was pretty far from our hotel (we must've taken the bus or train) but however far it was or however much we paid, it was totally worth it.  just look at this view.  to get to the top of the church, you had to climb up this tiny tower that was the width of one person so if you got clausterphobic, too bad; you were stuck and the only way to go was up.  

the church itself is amazing; the frescos are gorgeous as is the art and the sheer size of the grounds. as part of this adventure, we also visited the beautiful sistine chapel; unfortunately, i don't have any pictures because they don't allow photographs in the building (the flash damages the delicate frescos).  

 

next stop: labia

how awesome is this photo?  i just had to take this picture because you'd never see anything like this in toronto.  

photo fridays: vancouver

in september 2003, my then-boyfriend and i planned a trip to beautiful vancouver.  prior to us leaving, he also asked me to forever be his wife.  little did he know what  he was getting into.  

it was my first time visiting vancouver; 3rd for hubs (he dated a girl who lived there; whatever) and i feel in love with the city.  ven and mark were the most gracious hosts.  they lived in a condo on alberni street (yes, i remember!) and our favorite past-time when we got home in the wee hours was spying on their neighbors in the adjacent hotel and condos with binoculars.  it was awesome.

we had a blast during our time in vancouver with the beautiful weather, sight-seeing and taking silly Gap pictures such as this.  seriously, doesn't this look like it could be a Gap ad?

Photo Fridays: Almalfi Coast, Italy

in september 2006, my husband and i decided it was time for our last hurrah before planning for a family.  not only was this our last hurrah, but it was sort of our second honeymoon as well. 

i like to travel during the month of september; i find the weather in most areas are nice - not too hot and not too cold.  we were in italy for 3 weeks and hubs surprised me by bringing me here, to the Almalfi Coast, where we spent 2 wonderful nights for our anniversary.

just looking at these pics makes me wish i could go back there now.......

Photo Fridays - Stomping Grounds

I started clubbing in my early teens so seeing me at over-age bars on a school night wasn't unusual.  Oh, my poor mother!

I want to say this picture was taken in 1992 but I'm not quite sure; 15 to about 19 were fuzzy years for me and I rarely took any pictures even if I remembered to bring a camera only because by the time I remembered that I had a camera, I had already drank most of my money.  You have to remember that pagers were all the rage so the cameras that were around in those days were clunky 35mm or if you were willing to pony up the money, you'd bring a lighter yet poorer quality disposable camera.  No one had digital elphs and no one had cell phones. 

I don't remember taking this picture but then again, I don't remember much of those years.  I'm glad that I at least look like a decent young lady here with what looks like a decent top that covered me up instead of the hoochie-wear that I usually sported in those days.  Yes, I admit it - I was a hooch and wore whore hooch clothes.  Thank God you can't see my nipples because whenever I wore white in those days, it usually meant you could see through my clothes like an x-ray.  Oh, for shame!

Power Bar was a regular stomping ground for me.  Every Friday night, my friends and I would pile into the party mobile and head downtown to Adelaide Street to drink dance the night away.  My cohorts in the picture aren't actually teddy bears but two lovely people I used to bump into or go with every weekend.   Power Bar was a decent club I think; it was hard to tell because it was so damn dark but it had two levels and you could see the lower floor from the top.  Every Friday night it was rammed with familiar faces and people getting their groove on.  House music blared from the speakers and it was a fun time had by all.

Pictures like this make me smile; things were much simplier then.  Now, I can barely muster up the energy to get up and get dressed to go out let alone hang around a night club till the wee hours of the morning.  I'm glad that chapter of my life is over but looking at pictures like this always takes me back when it was all about having a good time.

Photo Fridays - Vegas, baby!

I've been to Vegas several times but my first time was  on The Company's Dime.  

In 2000, I was a dough-eyed consultant, fresh out of school.  In the middle of the dot.com boom, there was plenty of money to be spent and a spendin' we did.  That year, a co-worker and I enrolled for a week-long technical training certification course in Los Angeles.  While I thought 'free trip!' he had other plans in mind:  his friends' basketball league was playing the championship game in Las Vegas and so he selected LA because it was only a 4hr drive from LA to Las Vegas.  Hubs - my boyfriend at the time - came along for the ride; all he had to do was pay for his airfare; the company took care of everything else.

We flew in on a Friday evening, jumped in the rental and headed straight for Vegas.   I've never driven from LA to Vegas before but my co-worker promised to wake me up right before we hit the strip; something about it being a magnificent view.  Somewhere around midnight, I was woken up and we came around the bend of some mountain or large hill, there it was - the Las Vegas strip.  Bright lights in the middle of a black, vast desert was all I could see - a truly magnificent sight.

Hubs and I spent the weekend roaming around Vegas.  Because it was my first time there, I wanted to see all the sights.  We walked the strip, toured the shops and ate like royalty - hell, it wasn't our money! I fell in love with The Venetian Hotel; had my picture taken with a wax figure of Mel Gibson and nearly went on one of those gondola rides in the Venetian.  The only time I saw my co-worker was when he took us to Primm Outlet Mall and we went crazy buying everything in sight.

That was a fun trip; hubs stayed with us for the entire week while we were in training in LA.  He would drop us off at the building and then spend the day driving around the city.  After training, we would roam around the city or head over to Venice beach.  One day, we  skipped out on the training session and spent the whole day at Venice beach.  We got free tickets to a free taping in North Hollywood for this show:

Remember this?  it didn't air for very long but it was pretty funny and was this was the day that Ryan Reynolds made it into my "cool hollywood celebrities" list.  We got lost on our way there, scared the hell out of some poor lady who thought we were trying to car-jack her when we were only trying to ask for directions and after the taping, to our surprise, Ryan was the only one who came up to the audience, sat in the front of everyone and talked to us for a about 40 minutes.  He answered all of our questions and made everyone laugh.  The rest of the cast didn't even bother and look where they are now - nowhere!  and where is Ryan Reynolds?  on the cover of People's Sexiest Man Alive.  Haha suck on that, snobby actors!!

Photo Fridays - France

Circa December 1992, I went to visit my sister in France.  She was partying studying there for a year in Montpellier, France.

She stayed in an apartment in Montpellier but travelled down to Paris for the Christmas holiday and we stayed in her friend's place during the 2 weeks I was there.  Most of her friends were also exchange students but from various countries in Europe and Asia.  I was 17 and spent Christmas and New Year's in Paris.  How awesome is that?

The folks we hung out with were locals and oh so very nice.  Because there were so few students who remained in Paris for the holidays and we were all too broke to go out to a fancy restaurant, we stayed in and cooked our New Year's dinner at Remi's place (btw, Remi was uber-hot and such a sweetheart):

My sister loved off Remi but sadly, he was hung-up on over his ex who was also at the dinner.  She was really nice too so that made it hard to hate her. 

After dinner, french wine and yummy desserts, we headed out to the Copa Club to ring in the new year.  Because I was under-age and the lack of funds prevented me from getting my drank on, I welcomed 1993 completey sober but nevertheless, it was fun!  and goddammit, I was in Paris, France, dancing and hollering with French people halfway across the world.  The guys were hammered so we decided to walk back to Remi's place, stopping along the way to grab some snacks and as it seems, to rest by the bus stop.   Even though we weren't taking the bus.  Nothing says classy like sitting on the curb at 3am by a bus stop.  

I just remembered the name of the guy 2nd from the left - his name is Mehdi.  Remi and Mehdi were roommates and spoke pretty good English but JP didn't speak a word.  He liked me so for the two weeks I was there, we spent most of the time trying to figure out what the other person was saying.  The only thing we took away from those two weeks was bad language and cuss words.  He was a joker so even though I didn't understand 95% of what he was was saying, I laughed anyway because he acted like a clown.

I remember Mehdi being hesitant to leave for the club on New Year's eve because his cat was sick.  That was the night that I learned cats could get AIDS or as they say in French: le SIDA.  Mehdi's little sister came over to babysit the cat and when we got home in the weehours of the morning, we heard Mehdi crying.  That's when we saw the box where they cat was sleeping; his sister had gone to bed for the night but left a note on the cat that read "le chat est mort".  For you non French-speakers, that means "the cat is dead".   I don't know if it was the awkwardness of the situation or that Mehdi was drunk and crying or that everyone else was drunk but we all started laughing.  Not that a dead animal is laughable but instead of putting the cat somewhere,  his sister left a note on the corpse that said "the cat was dead".  That was the funny part.

France was a year filled with tragic events for the students.  That was the year "la poisse" - bad luck - plagued my sister and all of her friends:

• the stairwell of Mehdi and Remi's building that led to all apartments caught fire so for the entire year, the stairwell was pitch black.  It was covered in soot and ash which was  never cleaned and no matter how careful you were not to rub up against the walls or railing, you always got black shit all over your clothes and ruined them
• Mehdi fell down the stairwell and hurt his  knee
• Mehdi's cat died
• $100 francs was stolen from my wallet
• a water bottle exploded in my sister's bag and everything got soaked.  My camera got wet and broke :(
• While dropping a friend off at the train station, Remi was on board saying good-bye when the train left ... while he was still on board!  he didn't have a ticket or his passport and ended up getting yelled at and fined several hundreds of Francs
• I lost my train ticket and that was the day they decided to check for tickets.  La poisse!

Photo Fridays - The Elementary Years

This is the first day that I've had a chance to relax (sort of) and it's a work day.  Yesterday, I finshed the first draft of the documentation for my project - a whopping 300+ page monster that took me just over a month to write.  I celebrate this milestone by sifting through old pictures, chuckling and gasping in horror at what I come across; namely myself when I was a geeky youngster.  What better way to spread the laughter than blogging about these tragic pictures?

I remember this day clearly.  It was the school year end of grade 7 and everyone was saying their good-byes for the summer.  This candid picture perfectly captures how most of the year went:  me hanging onto my crush every possible moment.  He was a really nice guy too and never acted as though my crazy ways were, well.. crazy.  By that, I mean his dad got used to my regular evening calls and I ended up talking more with his dad than with him.  At the end of each call, I'd say "ok sir, please tell Ed I called and that I love him" to which he'd laugh and say: "will do, Kathy.  You have a good night".  One time I forgot to say my regular schpiel and his dad said: "what's wrong? no I love yous?" haha. Looking back, I can't believe how stalkerish I was.  The only excuse I can come up with is young, stupid and knowing nothing about boys... and seemingly, nothing about boundaries, class, dignity, combs, some hairspray or makeup.  Oh the horror.  

I look at this picture and laugh because if I had put the same effort  towards looking decent as I did with my clothes (yes, that's a Vuarnet shirt I'm wearing) maybe there'd be more pictures of Ed hanging off me.  Let me remind you though, that these were the days  I wore black, tight, pinned jeans with leg warmers, BKs and preppy shirts.  I would be a rocker one day and an alternative punk the next so it's no wonder I looked like a train-wreck most of the time.  In any case, grade 7 and 8 were the best school years - ever.  I had the most fun, had the most friends and the guy I crushed on was nice to me the whole two years.  Or maybe he thought I was a pathetic loser but who cares; at least he didn't act like an an asshole.  We all know how cruel kids can be but these fine folks at Franklin Street Public School were the nicest people ever and welcomed hundreds of newcomers with open arms.  I remember being shipped off to this small public school because my local elementary school didn't have the room to handle all of the new residents in the area.  North Markham experienced a housing boom and therefore, an influx of new students, so we were sent to Franklin Street P.S. - an area that was foreign to most of us because it was farther north than we were already.

It was an even sadder day when Grade 8 ended.  I rememeber everyone crying and hugging like it was the armageddon and we were all waiting to get hit by the giant meteor.  I'm trying to find my old grade 8 grad pictures because I wore a peach dress - peach! - which at the time I thought was so pretty but now realize it's an insult to humanity and it would be all kinds of hilarious to post that shot. 

Do you remember your elementary school crushes?  Was elementary school awesome for you?