the other day, my hubs showed me this picture he stumbled across while looking at old photos. most of the time, old photographs ellicit feelings of happiness; this photograph does not. in fact, i'm reminded of dark times and sadness.
this is me in 2009 at the height of my depression, about a month before i sought treatment. i was about 105lbs here; my normal weight is about 130lbs.
i remember this day clearly; it was a birthday party for our friends' daughter and i contemplated not going because i felt so awful. i struggled to find the courage to face people and i just didn't want to be out in public. depression does that; it causes you to alienate everyone around you, including yourself. all you want to do is lie in bed and hide in your house, enveloped by your own fears, anxiety and darkness.
i can't believe how thin i was here. i was wearing a size 00 shorts and still had to wear a belt. that shirt was a size xs and i was swimming in it. you could see all the bones sticking out of my body; if i turned around, my rib cage popped out of my back. my arms were rail thin and my hips jutted out. in other words, i had no fat on my body and i was 'sharp' because my bones stuck out every which way. people who saw me walked right by because they didn't even recognize my face. luckily, i was wearing sunglasses in this picture (and i never took them off that day) because it hid my eyes which were pretty much black pits of dispair. this sounds like a line in a creepy novel but it's true -- my eyes gave away my state of mind because there wasn't anything but sadness behind them. they had sunk into my face; i had black circles underneath from being up all night for almost 2 years because of the crazy anxiety that prevented me from sleeping more than an hour at a time.
although this chapter in my life has thankfully ended, it still remains crystal clear in my mind - what i went through, how i felt, how dark everything was and how desperate i felt. this is why i cherish every moment i have with my family and friends; why i don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy what i have and most of all, live every moment.
i have several pictures of me during this time, most of which i don't look at but once in a while, i pull them out to remember that time and how far i've come. in a weird way, i use it as a reminder to never take anything for granted because at one point, i nearly lost everything.